Related to Surrogacy Advocacy | Posted on January 17th, 2017
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I'm twenty-nine. It seems so odd to think about that. My husband tells me that I've grown a lot in the last six years since he and I have been together, but, while that's true, I sometimes stare in disbelief in the mirror. I forget how old he and I are. He'll be thirty-six this month, and my thirties will kick in later this year. I've always pictured myself as a father, but as we grow older and older, the concerns of my husband start to draw graver. If we were to have a child now, for example, I would be forty-seven when he or she graduated high school. My husband would be fifty-four. That is his concern regarding age--that he doesn't like the idea of being the "old man" on the cusp of retirement when his child graduates from high school. I don't necessarily have the same view as him. If you add on to that the fact that I have just finished my Bachelor's degree in elementary education, the fact that my husband was just diagnosed with Young Onset Parkinson's Disease, and the fact that we are living paycheck to paycheck with bad credit--it's clear why my husband has major concerns with us having a child.
But I want to be a father. I want to raise a child. I want to impart knowledge and skills. I want to have a life in my home that I care for and love with every fiber of my being and soul. I want to be a father more than anything. And that's what hurts so badly--to think about this one thing that I want that I fear I may never have. Sure, when I get a job teaching and we're able to comfortably get our bills situated with two incomes again, things will get better, but I just don't know when we'll be able to truly afford to start the process.
Right now, the needs are simple. Get a job. Get a income. Get caught up. Start saving. With both of our 401ks activated and earning, the saving part may be easier than I'm currently imagining it to be. Maybe that will be how we can afford a surrogate. I just don't know.
What I do know is that we would make excellent parents. My husband and I have so much love in our hearts and our lives that we just want to share that with a little boy or girl. We even have first names decided already. Leo or Fiona. Sure, if we were to have a child, they could potentially have a challenging life ahead of them. Two gay parents and a life in a very conservative part of the country. But that wouldn't matter. Our child would be brought up with understanding, empathy, morals, values, ideas of their own, and more that will help them shield themselves from any prejudice and aide them in pursuing what ever life they chose to lead.
For now, though, my heart breaks a little each day as it feels like that dream of fatherhood, of parenthood, of tiny hands grasping my fingers, of high-pitched giggles in lamplight with a book, of song-and-dance recitals in the living room, of impromptu food fights when I fix something he or she doesn't like, of the first cuddles with a new kitten or puppy, of candles on fluffy cakes being blown out each year, of wrapping-paper covered floors on Christmas, of grimy handprints on walls, of slamming doors when the angsty teenage years of hormones and misunderstandings begin, of anxiety-riddled moments of youth behind a steering wheel for the first time, of graduations and proms, and all the moments in between seem to slip through the spaces between my fingers.
There's a Disney song that says, "A dream is a wish your heart makes." Having a child is certainly a dream, a wish I feel my cracked heart making, and I hope, one day, it will become a reality.
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